Batman Begins: Abridged
by The lovable writer
Summary: A shortened version of the hit movie for those who can't be bothered to watch.
1. Chapter 1

**_O.K guys who watch this, if your new to my work, I've already completed The Dark Knight abridged, if this is some years past 2010 (it might be!) I've also probably wrote the Dark Knight sequel abridged, if your here cause you love abridged series, well this thing basically follows the status quo, only it's very dialogue based, for any of you who have already read TDK, sorry about that rambling, I was going to wait a little while, but I pump out this quality work very quickly, not sure if that's good or not. Enjoy!_**

**_Previously on Batman..._**

**_"_**Ice to meet you!"

"Bat nipples!"

"What killed the dinosaurs! The Ice Age!"

"Holly Sardines Batman! A shark is biting your leg!"

"Chill out!"

"I'm Bat Girl!"

"Lets kick some Ice!"

**_As you can see, it was kind of crap! So, with the magic powers of bad ratings and Warner bros lack of originality, I command you Batman universe! Reset!_**

"Rachel! What have you got!" a young Bruce Wayne demands.

"Superman, the Richard Donners cut, the last good superman movie!" Rachel informs.

"Give it!"

"No. I have it. It's mine, taking it is stealing. And stealing is against the rules!"

"Screw the rules! I have money!" Bruce yells.

Happy slap! Fall down a mine!

"Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats!" Bruce screams as Bats attack him.

**_This continues for several hours. Beyond loosing a few pints of blood through bat bites, and minor psychological trauma, he's O.K!_**

**_Meanwhile at the Opera house, the timeless classic Die Fledermaus is playing._**

"Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats!" Bruce screams again.

**_For anyone who cares, I don't know how to copy and paste, so those last 10 minutes were boring! I'll probably stop breaking the fourth wall now..._**

"I think we should leave, the screams are bringing the actors out of their high." Bruce's Dad suggests.

"Bruce, why did you get fraked out by bats in there. We're Waynes..." Bruces Mum/ Mom asks.

"Hay! Did you just say you're Wayne's! Bruce Wayne! I watched Batman and Robin at the cinema, it was a load of crap!" random thug yells.

"It wasn't that bad there was a quality cast, but the actors, they had to make a bad script work." Bruce's Dad pleads.

"Don't excuse the actors!" Random Thug yells.

Bang bang, I shot you down, bang bang, right to the groud. Bang bang I shot you down!

"Daddy, I feel somewhat reponcible for your death." Bruce ponders over his Fathers body.

"That'd probably be because it is Bruce." his Father says before dying.

**_The entire events of Smallville pass..._**

"Your honour, what Mr Chill did was bad, but he had good reason, Batman and Robin was pretty crap. He deserves to get out now." the soulless lawyer explains.

"I haven't watched it, how bad is it." the judge asks.

"Well that's why I invited Mr Schwarzenegger. Would you please recite some of your lines."

"Let's kick some Ice! I'm cold to your pleas of mercy! You aint' sending me to the cooler! I'll be back!" Arnie recites.

"Oh crap that's a bad film, Mr Chill is off, just never show me that abomination to the eyes and ears again!"

**_Outside the court room..._**

"When Chill comes out, I'm going to blow his face off, thus temporarily solving my problems for a few seconds until new ones come along. But those will be some great few seconds." Bruce deduces.

"People, I've been let out, but I have to tell you, I know who shot JFK..." Chill reveals.

Bang, gun crime, drive by, assassination nation!

"Damn, he'd dead." Bruce notes.

"Bruce, how can you think such a thing. Murder is against the rules." Rachel lectures.

"Screw the rules, I have money!"

**_At the Crime Boss hall of standard level evils, 2 days without decapitating a horse..._**

"Are you here to thank me or kill me Bruce Wayne!" Generic Crime Boss asks.

"I don't really know why I'm here!" Bruce realises.

"Than get the hell out!"

"Oh, I'll get the hell out, I'll get the hell out, I'll get the hell out and never return again, never again... hang on, that line was crap! Can I do that again..."

"I reiterate, get the hell out!"

**_Several seconds later..._**

"Hay, a giant boat, that looks like fun." Bruce ponders.

**_Too be continued, review please, like you don't all want to pick to pieces my Smallville statement!_**


	2. Chapter 2

**_Previously on Batman Begin: Abridged. Bruce Wayne stowed away on a boat hoping for moderate levels of fun. It turns out stowing away on a boat to any random location does not result in fun, who knew?_**

**_Tonight on Batman Begins: Anridged, let's just say theres a few Pop Culture References._**

"Mr Wayne, you are under arrest for stealing a loaf of bread." Police officer says.

"But it was for my dying family!" Bruce pleads.

"Bruce Wayne, you have pleaded guilty to the charges brought by this court, and it is now my duty to pass sentence. You are an habitual criminal, who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. I therefor sentence you to an unspecified amount of time to a stereotypical jail in whatever country this happens to be." Judge rules.

"You can't do that, American viewers wont get the humour!" Bruce explains.

**_In Jail, yeah, I can't think of a good joke..._**

"So what are you in for." Bruce asks.

"I attempted to murder an old lady in Texas." random guy says.

"Attempted?"

"She shot me."

"My Wayne, your not very good at this title character duty are you?" says a charismatic voice.

"Oh my goodness, I know that voice. Aslan!" Bruce exclaims.

"No. What's pivotal though is that you join us..." Henri Ducard says.

"Qui-Gon-Jinn?" Bruce guesses.

"No, but I represent a clan of people who..."

"So you're not Qui-Gon-Jinn?"

"Oh all bloody right! I'm Qui-Gon-Jinn. Do you want to join are ninja cult?" Qui-Gon-Jinn says.

"Isn't it kind of difficult to leave a jail in whatever country we're in?" Bruce asks.

"I'm Qui-Gann-Jinn, with this voice I can do anything." Qui-Gon-Jinn reminds.

**_At the Ninja Fortress of Ethically grey activities..._**

"So who are you?" Bruce asks.

"We are the Cult of ancient ninjas, and pop culture references!" Qui-Gon-Jinn reveals.

"Dude, that I'm going to do to your face, what Bret Ratner did to the X-Men series!" Generic Ninja 1 says.

"This punch is going to sting like a Chuck Norris round house kick!" Generic Ninja 2 says.

"I'm Ra's al Ghul! Bitch!" Generic Old Man who claims to be Ra's al Ghul says.

"Well come on Bruce. Training. A little less conversation, a little more action!" Qui-Gon-Jinn reminds.

"So I take it this training will take years of hard and tiring work?" Bruce asks.

"Like I said, I'm Qui-Gan-Jinn. We can probably cover this in a 10 minute training montage."

"God Bless Holly-woods lack of originality, may it never end." Bruce exclaims.

**_One Training Montage with snazzy music later..._**

"Now that you're Ninja skills are awsome, I'll test your pop culture ability. There's more dirt on you than Amy Winehouse at a church confessional." Qui-Gon tests.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't here you, your tongue has more venom than Steve Irwins heart." Bruce retorts.

"Wow, I can almost here the controversy! Now one more task, you just need to kildamanoverderepeese." Qui-Gon mutters.

"What?" Bruce asks.

"Just killdatmanoberderepease."

"What?"

"Oh alright damn it! Kill that guy we've got chained up. He stole stuff for his poor family."

"Dude! Why don't you just yell, "I'm morally ambiguous, but in the bad way, I'm going to be the villain of this!"" Bruce yells.

"Kill him. Kill him like Video killed the Radio Star!" Qui-Gon yells.

"No, and that was a crappy pop culture reference!"

"Your apprentice killing a criminal. This event is as misleading and nonsensical as Muhammad Ali vs Superman, 1978, DC Comics." Generic Ninja 2 laughs.

"Bruce, please. You're embarrassing me in front of the cold blooded killers. The pop cultures references are becoming more and more obscure." Qui-Gon begs.

"No. You take pop culture to far! Sure it's good in small doses, but fill every line and it ruins things, shows, television, fan-fiction!" Bruce monologues.

**_Damn it he's right! I'll work on better material and stop ripping stuff off worse than Paris Hiltons clothes. Ah, to hell with that._**

"Kill him Bruce or be killed, it's the rules!" Qui-Gon warns.

"Screw the rules! I have money!" Bruce yells.

Knife crime! Happy Slap! Choke Hold! Half Nelson! Full Nelson! Pop culture References!

"Die man who claims to be Ra's al Ghul!" Bruce yells.

"I'm dying worse than the quality of the Star Wars franchise!" Generic Old Man who claims to be Ra's al Ghul says.

"Oh no, the monstrey is about to blow up!" Generic Ninja 1 shouts.

"Damn it, what the hell are explosives doing in an ancient monastery. Wait, I can't just leave Qui-Gan-Jinn, Narnia will fall apart without him!" Bruce narrates.

Escape!

"Well I'll probably never see those guys again. Problem solved. Now back to Gotham, it has been an unspecified amount of time." Bruce notes.

**_Back in Gotham..._**

"Oh Poison Ivy. I don't care if are love is forbidden... wait, Mobile. Master Wayne, your coming back. O.K, just let me deal with some business." Alfred says.

**_Like the General decline of the Harry Potter franchise, To be Continued, hopefully with less Pop culture references..._**


	3. Chapter 3

**_Batman Begins: Abridged, not as good as Batman Begins, but better than Batman and Robin._**

"So what do you plan to do now you're back?" Alfred asks.

"I was thinking about taking to the streets as a vigilante with a weird bat fetish to bring the city out its general state of self destruction." Bruce summarises.

"Will I have to do anything?"

"Not really."

"Than alright."

**_At Wayne Enterprises, 4206 days since selling something..._**

"So that concludes the giant Bat shaped air craft, I'd like to make one, and than we can conclude it's to expensive for production, and chuck it in the basement." Worker 1 says.

"Uh sir, I know we normally decide which items not to sell, but for one, why don't we actually try and make something we're going to sell, and make profit over."

"Shut up Will." Boss guy says.

"Yeah Will!" Worker 1 says.

"Will, the thing dead people write, but I don't cause I'm not dead, I'm right here!" Bruce wittily remarks.

"Master Wayne! But you're dead!" Boss guy says.

"No! Business bla bla bla, business bla bla bla, Wayne enterprises bla bla bla, mine bla!" Bruce says on a business related topic or something.

"Bla bla bla, business bla bla bla, public limited bla bla, ownership bla bla, complicated bla bla." Boss retorts on business related topic, or some crap like that.

"Bla bla bla?" Bruce realises.

"Bla." Boss confirms.

"Can I have a job than?"

"You can either work with the old guy in the basement, or you can have Wills job." Boss informs.

"Hay!" Will protests.

"Definitely Old dude in the basement." Bruce answers.

"Hay!" Will protests.

"Sorry Will, but you're only here for comic relief." Bruce explains.

"Yeah Will!"

**_In the basement of amazing crap..._**

"Morgan Freeman! You can't be the old guy in the basement! You're God!" Bruce exclaims.

"Not in this film son, and in one of my next films I'll play the bad guy who gets shot through the head." Morgan Freeman explains.

"Really. Anyway, do you have any devices suitable for vigilante justice."

"Why do you need it."

"Uh, Alfred's needs punishing."

"Than you'll probably need a giant bullet proof super car. A super utility belt, and bullet proof super armour. Alfred puts up quite a fight. We have 2 of everything, but you can only have 1."

"Why?"

"Buddy. I'm gonna get fired with in the next couple of weeks, I'm stealing everything that isn't fixed down."

"Fair enough, hay, where's my wallet gone?"

**_Meanwhile, in the Court of Gotham, 0 days since case of corruption..._**

"In short your honour. I feel this was an unfortunate case where the victim jumped into the warning shots, 6 times." Dr Crane explains.

"Alright, ship him off to the nut house." Judge rules.

"Judge. We prefer the term Bananas barn." Dr Crane asks.

"Denied!" Judge rules.

"You're corrupt Crane! Christopher Eccelston was in the running for this role, he deserved it more, the fans would have loved it, also the whole murder stuff. I'm going to take you down!" Rachel Dawes rants

"Get the hell out!" Dr Crane retorts

"Oh I'll get the hell..."

"We've been doing this joke to much. Just get the hell out!" Dr Crane begins.

"Oh, you did not just bad mouth _"Get the Hell out"_ I am so taking you down!" Rachel vows.

**_In Cave Beneath Gotham manner..._**

"Master Wayne. You said I wouldn't have to do anything." Alfred moans.

"Shut up and rock climb Alfred. Rock climb like your a criminal who just pulled a job in Italy and needs to pull his gold up the cliff it fell down." Bruce rants.

"Sadly Master Wayne I doubt we'll ever see that."

"Hmm, this cave looks safe enough. Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats!" Bruce yells.

**_Several hours pass..._**

"Ahhh! Bats! Hang on, Bats are cool, from this day on, I will be Batman." Bruce realises.

"That seemed a rather sudden change Mr Wayne." Alfred notes.

"Would you rather the we do a Dare Devil like origin story?" Bruce asks.

"Oh God no!" Alfred begs.

**_A little later..._**

"I mean come on Jim. How do you know you don't like bribes, of you never took one?" Bent cop asks.

"I just don't alright!" Jim Gordan snaps.

"O.K, it's not that I'm disappointed you don't take bribes. It's that you don't try."

"Hmm, he doesn't except bribes, and look at that moustache! He can join my war of crime, I mean against crime, definitely against." Batman observes.

**_At Gotham Police Station, 4 days since doing anything..._**

"Do you know when a drug deal is going down?" Batman asks.

"In generic creepy dock. But who are you?" Jim asks.

"I'm a man without super powers. But a super human power of determination."

"Kind of like the Punisher." Jim notes.

"But I battle using inteligence and technology."

"Kind of like the Punisher." Jim notes

"And I believe in justice, and must..."

"So you're basically the Punisher!" Jim notes.

"No!" Batman begs.

"Than how are you different?"

"I'm Batman!" Batman explains.

"Get the hell out!" Jim yells.

"Oh, I'm getting the hell out, I'm getting the hell out right now!"

"I reiterate...!"

_Window smash..._

"I'll be damned, he got the hell out!" Jim notes.

**_I'll be damned, he got the hell out. Change is coming!_**

**_O.K guys, sorry to break the fourth wall, ah hell, we're beyond that. But as you've noticed my material is very dialogue based, that's because I get my comic material by doing it as moderately spontaneous stand up to myself. _**

**_I've been considering performing this stand up on YouTube for a while now, and I've recently perfected Hell Boy 2, and consdiering how it would be either that or waiting several months as I get through other stuff on my material, well anyway, feel free to send your thought on the reviews. Though be warned, if you expect it's Christian Bale on the other end of the screen, you'll be surprised._**


	4. Chapter 4

**_Warning, this chapter contains notable amounts of Christian Bale topless. Men and women with heart conditions should proceed with care. Men and women without heart conditions should also proceed with care. Hell, I should proceed with care, and I'm fairly certain I'm straight. His chest is just so masculine!_**

**_In generic creepy dock, a drug dealing is a foot..._**

"Well drug deal going ahead. City in my control. Master crime lord. Life is going pretty damn fine. I should probably retire on Tuesday." Crime Boss says.

"Oh dear God. My arm doesn't twist that way!" a random dealer yells outside.

"What was that. Ah. Probably nothing." Crime boss wonders.

"I can see inside myself!" probably nothing says.

"Yeah, definitely nothing."

"Ah! Put his face back on!" definitely nothing says.

"I wonder what's taking them so long?" Crime Boss wonders.

_Ka-Powee!_

"I'm Batman! And all your base are belong to us!"

"This is so unforeseen!"

**_The Nexy day..._**

"Master Wayne, why are you doing press ups half naked, what's the point of this scene?" Alfred asks.

"Two words Alfred. Fan girls, fan girls." the very masculine Bruce Wayne says, his chest glimmering in the tiny beads of diamond like sweat, the rhythmic breaths of, hang on, I was narrating something!

"Master Wayne, you need to get laid." Alfred comments.

"Easy enough."

**_At restaurant..._**

"Now I know you girls are young, and terribly naive, but I'm positive when I say you could be film stars. But you first have to pass several sexual tests." Bruce explains.

"Bruce. I thought you moderatly liked me. Why are you sleeping around with these sluts." Rachel yells!

"Hay, we prefer the terms sexual deviants." Sexual deviant informs.

"Please Rachel, underneath I'm still the same Bruce you know."

"Hollywood uses that saying to much. We're changing it. Now it only matters what you do." Rachel informs.

"Damn it. A whole lot of Hollywood Disney characters are going to hell."

**_At random house..._**

"Dr Crane. Are we doing something illegal?"

"No Jimmy, now continue to dose the area with lighter fluid." Dr Crane asks.

"O.K." Jonny states.

"Batman to the rescue!"

"Eat scare syndrome!" Dr Crane yells.

"Ha! Batman has no fear! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats! Ahhh! Bats!"

"Sir, are we hurting him." Jonny asks.

"No Jimmy, now set the fluid alight and I'll laugh bitterly." Crane informs him.

"Sir. Are we the bad guys?" Jimmy asks.

"Jonny. Just listen to the voices."

"They tell me to burn things." Jimmy realises.

_Burn baby burn, disco inferno, burn baby burn._

"Ahh Bats! Ahhh Fire! Ahh Bats! Ahh Fire! To much stuff to worry about! Stop drop role! Better choose good last words! Alfred! O.K those last words sucked!" Bruce yells/ ponders/ does something.

**_At Wayne Manor..._**

"Oh Cat-Women, I don't care if are love is forbidden... hang on, phone. Mater Wayne! Ah hell!" Alfred says.

**_The next day..._**

"If anyone asks Alfred. I was saving your life. And it was an American who I saved you from. Not an Irishman playing a British guy."

"You know I helped too. I invented an antidote by enhancing the bio-mass of the chemical linkages and reversing the polarity of the neutron flow..." Lucius explains.

"Do you really think I understand any of this?" Bruce asks.

"No. I just want you to appreciate the stuff I had to steal from work to create an antidote."

"How bad is it...?" Bruce asks.

**_At Wayne Enterprises..._**

"So any better ideas for how to not sell any items? Will?" Boss asks.

"Oh my goodness, they've stolen Will!" Random worker 1 exclaims.

**_Back at Wayne mansion..._**

"Oh well, just Will." Bruce realises.

**_Will Batman win his war against Dr Crane. Will people get off my case about Cillian Murphy playing an Englishman. Will Will become popular enough to the audience to prompt a Resurrection? Who's better in bed, Cat-Women or Poison Ivy? _**

**_To be continued..._**


	5. Chapter 5: I'm back!

**_Wow, I've been gone along time, oh well, just be nice and casual and act as if you never left._**

**_Viewers of a nervous disposition, may need to know, that I can see you're every move through this computer screen, wave to me. I said WAVE!_**

**_At the Arkham Institute for Outstanding Achievement in the field of Insanity!_**

"Crane! I want out of this mad house! And I wont take no for an answer!" Mob Leader yells.

"No." Dr Crane informs.

"Curses, you win round 1. Though I could just tell the world about all your dirty little secrets." Mob Boss threatens.

"I have no dirt, I haven't even had an acceptable back-story or human personality." Dr Crane scoffs.

"What about your love affair with Killer Crocodile." Mob Boss threatens again.

"Jimmy, shut the door."

"You're not going to hurt him are you Dr Crane." Jimmy asks.

"Jimmy, we've been through this, I don't hurt people, I just mentally cripple them and ruin there lives." Dr Crane reminds him.

"O.K."

"Eat Scare Syndrome!"

"Please, I have no fears. Ahhh Bambi's Mum is dying! Ahhh Bambi's Mum is dying! Ahhh Bambi's Mum is dying! Ahhh Bambi's Mum is dying! Ahhh Bambi's Mum is dying! Ahhh Bambi's Mum is dying! Ahhh Bambi's Mum is dying!" Mob Boss screams in terror.

"Wow, he's really messed up." Dr Crane ponders.

**_At Wayne Enterprises..._**

"Sir, theoretically, if a messenger told you that our random water exploder had been stolen, how would you react." Worker 1 asks, theoretically.

"Firstly I'd dock there wages about 4 percent and give them a firm talking too." Boss states.

"Oh, well..."

"Than I'd rip out there intestines and feed it to them." Boss continues.

"Oh... uh well..."

"Than I'd pull their arms from there sockets and beat them with it, laughing as they screamed helplessly, there lack of arms preventing them from defending themselves. Anyway you were saying something?" Boss finishes.

"Fox was going to tell you that. Blame Fox Lucius Fox!"

**_Back at Arkham..._**

"So he just happens to go insane. How very convenient." Rachel Dawes investigates.

"No, don't fly birdies, he's waiting for you. No, don't fly birdies, please don't fly. No, there flying! Ahh they're falling! Ahh they're falling! Ahh they're falling! Ahh they're falling! Damn you Walt Disney, first Dumbos Mum, now this! Oh look, a Scarecrow." Mob Boss cries.

"What's with the scarecrow?" Rachel asks.

"It's probably the mask I wear. It kind of creeps them out." Dr Crane explains.

"Than why did you leave it in his cell." Rachel asks.

"We don't have cable. Taunting the insane is the only entertainment I get." Dr Crane explains.

"So it's kind of like American Idle?" Rachel realises.

**_Back at Wayne Manor..._**

"I've traced the source of the scare drug, it's at Arkham." Alfred informs.

"How'd we figure that out?" Bruce Wayne asks.

"I'm not really sure, I can't really remember this part. " Alfred ponders.

**_At Arkham..._**

"This is holding blocks 71-80." Dr Crane explains.

"It really doesn't seem that different to the last 6 holding blocks." Rachel moans.

"You'd think that, but I've listed 6 and a half distinct differences, which I phrased as a poem in my spair time." Dr Crane points out.

"Listen is this tour going anywhere?" Rachel asks.

"Oh yeah, I kind of dump scare syndrome into the water supply with help from criminal slave labour." Dr Crane mentions.

"That's horrible! I'm going to report it!" Rachel screams.

"Right now, but I was showing the tour." Dr Crane moans.

"Uh, your committing crimes!" Rachel points out.

"But the tour. Listen, I've worked here for the last 8 years. Do you know how mind numbing that is. All I have to talk to, is Jimmy, and the voices is his head, and they are very left wing. I phrased it in a poem once. I call it, My Hatred is like an Onion." Dr Crane begins.

"Listen, I'm going." Rachel says.

"Oh, but the tour!" Dr Crane begs.

"Good Bye!" Rachel says.

"Eat Scare Syndrome!"

"Please, I have no fear! Ahh Tom Cruise! Ahh Tom Cruise! Ahh Tom Cruise! Ahh Tom Cruise! Ahh Tom Cruise! Ahh Tom Cruise! Ahh Tom Cruise! Ahh Tom Cruise!" Rachel screams.

"Wow, why are all the people I meet messed up?" Dr Crane ponders.

**_Nothing important to add, just felt it had been a while since I said something..._**

"Batman to the rescue!"

"Do I have to kill you a second time?" Dr Crane moans.

"Not if I kill myself twice first." Batman quips.

"If you insist." Dr Crane shrugs.

"Uh... Shut up! Eat your own Scare Syndrome!"

"Please I have no fears. No Mommy! I'll be a good boy! Please, I didn't mean it! No, not my collection of scarecrows! No! Mr Scarecrow McScarington!"

"Well that seemed easy enough."

"No! I'm dying you idiot!" Rachel yells.

"Oh yeah Rachel." Batman notes.

"Batman! I'm here to contribute! You've got to get out, we, the police are here for some reason. The place is surrounded by police." Jim Gordan says having arrived somehow.

"O.K, you know how Spider man doesn't use Spiders as a weapon? I'm about to throw that concept out the window! Eat Bats everybody!" Batman yells.

**_In the Batmobile..._**

"Hi, I'm Troy McLure. You might remember me from such interactive instruction devices as Banking for idiots, and Paid Parking, a fact of life. Today however I'm your Sat-Nav. At the next turn, take a left. You've taken a wrong turn there, at the next round about, take the second exit. Your location currently reads in a building, Sat-Nav does not understand, you're currently flying through the air, what the hell! Listen buddy, I can't be turned off! This is meant for idiots, but even you're taking the mick. Oh and now the police are chasing us, that'll be great for my rep. O.K, your off the satellite, I don't know what you've done, but you really buggered up. Congratulations, you have reached your destination."

**_Please read and review so I can feel good about myself and feel accepted..._**


	6. Chapter 6

**_Batman Begins: Abridged. Christian Bale doesn't read it, but if he did, I'm sure he wouldn't have strong feelings which way or the other..._**

"Happy Birthday Master Wayne. People are waiting for you, now go down there and make your Father proud, or at least less ashamed." Alfred encourages.

"Thanks. Send Rachel home please. But Alfred, I couldn't have done it without you, you're very wise." Bruce replies.

"Who're you? Where am I? I'm cold. I like the colour red?"

**_At the party..._**

"Well, better remember what my Father told me." Bruce reminises.

_Bruce, you must avenge me, and take your rightful place as king! Bruuuuuce!_

"O.K, I'm probably getting mixed up." Bruce thinks.

_If you got over your pathetic fear of Bats, I wouldn't be dead!_

"Yeah, let's stick with the first one. Don't worry Father. I'll get Scar." Bruce decides.

"Master Wayne, out of all the guests here, I think this one stands out most. He's called Ra's Al Ghul." Party goer number 82 explains.

"What! Your Qui-Gann-Jinn! How the hell does this work?"

"Ever head of a plot twist." Qui-Gann quips.

"Ever heard of shut the hell up!"

"Ah tooshay. Pop culture ninjas, prepare to kill." Qui-Gann retorts.

**_Outside..._**

"Oh come on! Why are unconscious women hard to toss into cars?" Alfred mutters.

"Alfred?" Chef 29 asks.

"Oh hi Benny. Help me get her in the car."

"OK. But this is definitely the last time."

**_Back inside, not much change..._**

"What are you planning." Bruce demands.

"Oh yes, why don't we just have a nice sit down and I'll tell you all my evil plans." Qui-Gann rants.

"Well yeah, that's fine with me."

"O.K. Gotham is evil, for decades. They've produced horror after horror, I mean at first Batman was alright, but than they fired Tim Burton! And it was all down hill from there, Batman and Robin was the last straw! Using the my Jedi knowledge of the force, I have reversed time, rebooting the franchise, where I'm going to end it once and for all before this franchise one again becomes rubbish! And to top of this expositional bombardment I'll do it by randomly blowing up the drugged water, caused by Cranes poison dumping. And it'll send Gotham on one hell of a trip! God Bless Hollywood, where explosions solves all problems." Qui-Gann explains.

"No! I can save Batman, I'll make good movies, we have Nolan! Ever watched Memento?" Bruce begs.

"No, what's it about?" Qui-Gann asks.

"You know, I watched it, but I really don't know?" Bruce thinks.

**_Serioiusly though, Mr Nolan, what the hell!?_**

"Pop culture ninjas, Naruto, Sasuke, Kakashi! Kill him!" Qui-Gann orders.

"You're going down more than..." Pop Culture ninja Naruto begins.

"What? Britney Spears hairdressers pay! Jackie Chans dignity! The Lovable Writers rate of updates! I don't care, just try and bloody kill me." Bruce demands with frustration!

"I was going to say more than that burning log above your head." Pop Culture ninja Naruto

_The Log uses Body Slam! Critical hit! Bruce Wayne is paralysed!_

"At least there was nothing I could do to save myself." Bruce laments.

"You could have stepped out the way." Pop culture ninja Sasuke notes.

"Damn it!"

"Well let's do the honourable thing. Leave him trapped and helpless to slowly burn to death." Qui-Gann decides.

**_At Arkham asylum..._**

"We're free to riot! Oh tonight, I'm going to have a good time! I feel ali-i-i-ive!" Dr Crane says.

"And the world turning inside out." Murder/ Burgaler 82 says.

"I'm floating around in ecstasy! Oh no wait, it's Horse Tranquiliser, just as good." Random thug continues.

"So don't stop us now. Cause..." Dr Crane says.

"O.K I'm bored, let's burn stuff!" Jimmy yells.

**_Back at Bruce Manor..._**

_Bruce! It's me..._

"Dad. I tried, I tried so hard..." Bruce yells to his Father.

_But the actions of other you thought were allies ruined your plans..._

"Yes." Bruce agrees.

_Now you know how I feel!_

**_Outside Bruce Manor..._**

"Got to do what the boss says, make sure no one get's out. Focus entirely on the door." Pop culture ninja Naruto says.

"Eat 4 Iron fiend." Alfred yells, attacking from behind.

"I don't know what hurts more. The golf club to the back of the head, or the irony. Wow, it's the irony." Pop culture ninja Naruto says before dying.

**_Back in Bruce Manor, am I jumping in too much, you tell me if I jump in too much..._**

"Master Wayne, get up..." Alfred urges Bruce.

"Why?! So I can have my arse kicked again! There's only so much arse kickings you can take before you realise you're not very good at this." Bruce moans.

"Who cares if it's good or not! Think of all the money we'll make! Think of all the little kids, begging there Mummy to buy them a Batman action figure, rather than there brothers insulin! Think of the brilliant sequels we'll make, think of the bad sequels we'll inevitably have to make." Alfred begs.

"You're right! We need to make are own Spider-man 3, with more angst and more villains!" Bruce realises.

_Congratulations Bruce Wayne has evolved into Batman! Congratulations, Batman has learnt splash!_


	7. Chapter 7

**_Batman Begins: Abridged is sponsored by Joe, a guy down the road who I happen to know..._**

"And this is the dank part of Gotham. It's a little know fact that the pigeons in this part of Gotham, are smarter than the average boy band. The nest over there have an average of 35. Take That have an average of 4, and that's with Robbie." The Tour guide explains.

"Look at them. Completely unaware that I'm about to end them." Ra's Al Ghul monologues.

"You say something mate?"

"Dude! I'm having an inner monologue, only me and the audience can hear it, you ruined it!" Ra's Al Ghul yells.

"Sorry."

**_In the streets of Gotham..._**

"Jim! Batman gave me an antidote to a poison about to strike the city!" Rachel Dawes explains.

"Thanks, though I really doubt this poison will actually hit us. I mean, that's a little extreme for a movie where the good guy is going to win." Jim notes.

"Eat Scare Syndrome, in ultra long camera angle!" Ra's Al Ghul declares to the nation.

"Oh hell!" Jim says.

"Heeeeeere's Scarecrow! Scarecrow McScarington this is for you." Scarecrow shrieks.

"Batman to the rescue, your going down you British weirdo!" Batman yells.

"Dude! Listen to the damn reviewers! I'm Irish!" Scarecrow reminds.

"Well they don't ever mention me being Welsh!" Batman counters.

**_No! Seriously he's Welsh! That's not even his natural accent!_**

_Rachel Dawes uses thunderbolt!_

"Please. I'm a super villain! I think I can... AHHHHHHHH! The pain, I forgot I don't have actual powers!" Scarecrow screams.

_It's super effective! Scarecrow fainted! Rachel Dawes gain 20 experience points!_

"Well that was incredibly easy." Batman ponders.

"Eat Scare Syndrome, by train." Ra's Al Ghul yells again.

"Damn public transportation, when will they learn. Public Transport kills!" Batman realises.

**_In a random water factory place thingy..._**

"If that train gets to us, the entire city will be polluted." Water dude 1 explains.

"Dude, why are we stating the obvious? Is this scene really necessary?" Water dude 2 asks.

"Were just really here to pad the movie out and interrupt the action."

**_Back at Gotham..._**

"Gordan, do you know how to drive stick?" Batman asks.

"Yes."

"How about miniature tanks, that drive stick?" Batman asks again.

"Not so good."

"Tough. Now drive to under the train tracks and solve this problem the American way, by blowing it up!" Batman yells.

"What about you, Welshy!?" Jim asks.

"I need to pick a pointless fight that'll put me in great danger and have no notable effect on the outcome of this chaos what so ever."

"You need to get laid mate." Jim yells

**_Back at the random water factory place thingy..._**

"The trains slightly closer than it was last time." Water dude 1 says.

"I'm just hogging screen time!" Water dude 2 says.

**_Back to the relevant events..._**

"Hello Ra's Al Ghul. Lets end this." Batman growls.

"Fancy making an obscure pop culture reference first." Ra's Al Ghul asks.

"Not really."

"But we have to, it's the rules!"

"Screw the rules! I have originality!"

**_Back to irrelevant events..._**

"Superman, the city of Gotham is in trouble, and Ninjas of the Apocalypse are behind it!"

"Keep an eye on it for me. Frasier's on."

**_And back to relevant events..._**

"Look at you Batman. Mud on your face. You big disgrace, I'm kicking you can all over the place, singing..." Ra's Al Ghul says.

"Stop quoting Queen!" Batman yells.

"Never! Eat sword!"

"Uh, no!"

"Damn it."

**_In moderately relevant events that no one really cares over cause it's not Batman..._**

"And that's me navigated all the way to under the train tracks. Die main transportation system of Gotham!" Jim yells.

_Bang!_

"Well with the exception of the entire poor section of Gotham on an acid trip, parts of rich Gotham on an acid trip, a mass criminal breakout of the most dangerous criminals in Gotham, many hundred killed or wounded, mass property damage, and the main transportation system severed, we've saved the day!" Jim rejoices.

**_Back to irrelevant yet awsome events..._**

"Batman wins again!" Batman rejoices.

"You can't stop this train!" Ra's Al Ghul yells.

"I don't need to stop it." Batman reveals.

"But how?"

"Ever heard of a lackey?"

"Damn it, finish me off." Ra's Al Ghul sighs.

"I'm not like you, I'm not going to kill you." Batman says.

"Few, that was close."

"But I don't have save you. Bye!"

**_Congrats! You just got Rick Rolled!_**

"WTF!! Yeah! Real mature Bruce! That's, very mature!" Ra's Al Ghul yells, shaking his fist notably.

_Train flies of tracks and crashes into building. Mass ruble falls on train. Random water exploder explodes. More rubble falls on train._

"You know to make this more realistic, why don't we take away Ra's Al Ghuls immortality." Christopher Nolan decides.

"Damn you Christopher Nolan! Damn you!" Ra's Al Ghul rants.

**_At Bruce Manor..._**

"Ha! Now that your leader is dead and your plan foiled, there's nothing you can do!" Alfred boasts in front of the ninjas.

"Lets kick the old mans arse!" a Ninja yells.


	8. Chapter 8

**_Please sing out loud for the final segment! I mean it, no matter where you are, warm up those vocal chords..._**

**_Live in New York! It's the Annual Super Hero Awards, with your obligatory crappy cameo, Jay Leno!_**

"And the winner of Super Hero of the Year, goes to? Batman for defeating an army of ninjas and weird Irish/ English guy!" Jay Leno proclaims.

"Ah crap! Why the heck do I bother showing up to these things. I don't even know anyone here." Hellboy mutters.

"Hay, don't blame me. I voted for Captain Marvel." The Mask replies.

"And the winner of Best Super Villain of the Year goes to. Scarecrow!" Jay Leno announces again.

"Thanks. Cause all the hell I've gone through I deserve an award." Scarecrow mumbles.

"That's what she said!" Superman yells.

"Shut up Superman! You're movie was rubbish and written like a bad fan-fiction!" Scarecrow yells back.

"Don't spoil it. I haven't watched it yet." Green Goblin yells.

"Here's a Spoiler! The finale sucks!" Tony Stark yells.

"O.K. And now we're mocking our producers. We should end it here."

"O.K. Cancel the trophies for best Stan Lee cameo and best crappy female counter part rip off." Jay Leno concludes.

**_After the Ceremony..._**

"Ha! This award is going straight on E-Bay." Batman grins.

"Excuse me Mr Batman? Could you sign this autograph?" a little kid asks.

"Sure thing. If I can change the life of just one kid, maybe I truly have achieved something. What's your name son?" Batman realises.

"Dick Grayson. But my friends call me Robin."

"Oh hell. Get lost Dick. I'm horrible and evil. And the Easter Bunny isn't real!" Batman yells.

**_Back to actual events..._**

"Well back to being boss of Wayne Industries. Maybe I'll get a name in this scene." Boss thinks aloud.

"Hay! Ned. You're fired!" Lucious yells.

"What business bla bla bla! I'm the boss bla bla bla! Business bla! Public limited bla bla!" Ned Boss rants.

"Bla bla bla. All your stocks are belong to us. Bla bla bla bla, you're fired. Bla bla." Bruce Wayne retorts.

"Bla bla bla?"

"Listen. I'm the main character so get lost!" Bruce concludes.

**_At Wayne Manor, well Wayne Manor was there once..._**

"So you're Batman Bruce." Rachel says.

"Yeah. That's why I couldn't spend time with you. And why I was hanging round with those sexual deviants. Any why I'm tired a lot. And why I don't floss." Bruce explains.

"What about the time Batman didn't save those orphans?" Rachel asks.

"I was too busy being Batman. Will you have sex with me?" Bruce asks.

"I don't know. Whose name would I yell out during sex?" Rachel ponders.

"Either, I'm good."

"Bruce. I can't have sex with Batman. He wears tights and a rubber outfit. Maybe one day when we don't need Batman we can have sex."

"O.K. We'll probably both live to see that day. How long can that be?" Bruce speculates.

**_And the finale..._**

"Well Batman we've saved the day. And I've been promoted to Lieutenant." Jim smiles.

"That's nice. But in my heart, you'll always be a lackey." Batman replies.

"But there's a problem." Jim says.

"What?"

"Well now that it's O.K to dress up in tights and act with eccentricity, without the fear of being called gay. We might have a whole ton of tight wearing queers on the street soon." Jim predicts.

"Yeah, that would be a problem. Any evidence that it'll happen soon." Batman asks.

"Well yes. Look at this." Jim reveals.

"Son of a _(cesor)_ing _(censor)_ with_ (censor)_ on the side and a dollop of _(censor)_ing _(censor), _it's a playing card!" Batman proclaims.

"But more than that attached was a CD, it played the following..." Jim reveals.

_#Yo! I'm the Joker and I'm here to say!#_

_#I'm the most Bad Ass Villain in the USA!#_

_#You may have though Jack Nicholson was pretty camp!#_

_#But let me tell you. I'm off the ramp!#_

_#And if you think Batman is pretty cool!#_

_#Let me tell you I rock, Old School!#_

_#Rewind... Old School, Rewind... Old School! Rewind... Old School#_

"It goes on like that for a while." Jim finishes.

"Wow. Well he make think he's good, but he's trippin' if he thinks he can take me!" Batman states.

"Oh please don't!" Jim begs.

_#So this is a story all about how!#_

_#My life got flipped, turned upside down!#_

_#And I'd like to take a moment so sit down pretty!#_

_#And I'll tell you how I became protector of Gotham City!#_

_#In the richer part of Gotham, born and raised!#_

_#In Wayne Manor is where I spent most of my days!#_

_#Chilling out, maxing, relaxing without haste!#_

_#Until a ton of Bats flew in my face!#_

_#Than a random thug up to know good!#_

_#Started making trouble in my neighbourhood!#_

_#Got in one little fight and my parents got shot!#_

_#And I said Gotham sucks, I'm buggering off!#_

_#I whistled for a cab, but after a course with some ninjas!#_

_#I decided I'd come back and protect these wingers!#_

_#And if anything I could say this job was wear!#_

_#But I thought nah forget it, I'm Batman! Who cares!#_

**_Few! That was a difficult last musical finish, I hope you were all singing! Anyway, read, review, enjoy if you must. I'm doing a similar YouTube project which I'll finish soon and I'm starting up my next fan-fiction project soon._**

**_And remember, uh, hell, now I run out of funny stuff..._**


	9. Chapter 9

"Hay! We forgot to say the project was completed. Are our lives still continuing to exist in somebodies mind while this story remains in progress, do they continue after completion. Do they vary from mind to mind, like alternate worlds, do we have free will when a mind fails to acknowledge us, or do we fade from existence, did we ever exist?" Batman ponders.

"Who cares, Simpsons is on. Let's just hit complete?" Scarecrow says.

"O.K. Should we have an end note?" Alfred asks.

**_Sure my next abridged project has started, Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Abridged._**

**_And I help co-write it, don't I The lovable writer?_**

**_Joe! I don't know how you've gotten into this text, but don't!_**


End file.
